Life, or something like it..

Life choices

Funny how life works.  I always thought I would be one of those career is first kind of gals, but after working for almost 20 years, and with the little darlin' on the scene I find it particularly hard to get myself motivated to charge into the thick of things again.  Of course, being a single income family kind of makes that impossible (I make 3 times as much as my DH - economics dictates that I am the one that works).

So of course, now that I am back into the job market, and looking around, I get offered two really amazing positions.

The first is a career amazing position with a large internation firm, where the pay is high, the visibility is high, it is for a fairly senior position, and the possibility for advancement is almost guarenteed, since they are looking for me to help establish the group.  However, the hours will be particularly long, and almost all at the office, since I would need to be interacting with the team on almost an hourly basis.

The second position has limited potential for advancement, is a smaller organization so the "perks" would be limited, the salary is less (although there are some cool bonuses if you make your targets), BUT, the organization was established specifically with the philosophy of flexibility, so I would work from home as many days of the week as I want, and I can set my own hours within the month (say, so a 65hr week one week, then a 10hr week the next).  And I know more than half the company since they are collegues from different companies that I've worked for, so there wouldn't  be any of that trying to get people to know you and what you can do kind of junk the first few months.

I love being with my son, so I am of course leaning towards the latter, but it is just so ironic that the fates would through the other job at mean right now just to tease me, knowing that I would have jumped at the chance for it a mere two years ago. 

Bah.

I just want to know how that happened?  In what seems to be a blink of an eye, I've become a "family" person.  We even went out and bought a minivan. Arrhhh!

And then they said...

The AFI has just released it's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes, with:

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" - Gone with the Wind

as the top quote, quip, or saying from the last 100 years of movies.  Now, I certainly recognized all the lines in the top ten (there's that top ten thing again..), but how accurate can a list generated by 1500 "leaders of the creative community" in Hollywood? 

Given that Hollywood is a world onto itself, likely with poke-a-dot sunrises, perhaps it may be a little sckewed.. I mean, come on "Run, Forrest, Run" in Forrest Gump wasn't even in the list of 400 to vote from.. heck, that one is often then end of a punchline at our house, particularly with the little darlin' attempting to run these days! :)

Geez, even "It's just a flesh wound" isn't there.. I bet "..watch it Monkey Boy", from Buckaroo Banzi isn't even there. Now I am really going to be upset.

Donated my pound of flesh

Sometimes it would be nice if the Fates could align to make the cost of a nice flower garden and some healthy veggies not so high. I must have been bit by about a 1000 bugs this afternoon while gardening.

Yes, I realize that we were "issued" a goof off pass by the weather office today because of the heat/humidity/smog, but someone forgot to tell them to reschedule the rest of the work week so that we can catch up on all those chores that have to get done on the weekend so that our bodies can be at the office during the week!

Karma's left hook

So why is it that every life presents something good, I have to have eyes in the back of my head to see the bill coming for it? I can just here the fates now.. "Oops, we gave her a nice golden goodie.. let's not for get to also sock it to her in another area to keep things all nice and balanced".

Usually that just means that when we get a little bit of extra money, one or both of the cars break down (depending on how much extra there was).

Of course, now with the little darlin' around, their sense of proportionality seems totally out of wack. Yes, he was about the most special thing to ever happen to me. So of course, last year we got hit with an absurd amount of out of the ordinary bills, our best friends joined a cult which made them disavow any non-members (guess where that left us), I came down with an illness who's attacks are hard to differentiate from heart attacks, my DH's parents split up which also caused all the siblings from talking to one another too, and way more, but it is getting too late to rant too much. But, we muddled through it..

Of course, now that the little darlin' is at his absolute cutest and are having the most fun with him, BAM!, silly me, I forgot to look to see the other shoe drop..

I know work related rants are supposed to be verboten, but since is this my version of therapy, and since I already griped a little bit earlier, I have to rant that is it at all right to eliminate someone's position 4 weeks after they return from leave, only to offer one at less pay and less seniority, and then tell you "it is totally strategic reasons, it has nothing to do with you, but you should feel lucky that we offered you anything at all since we normally lay people off when we eliminate positions"? Like they can just single you out to be laid off when you are being as billable as others within your group without it being wrongful dismissal.. ARGH.

I hate life sometimes..

And on with Crusing brilliance

To continue Jen's earlier posting about Tom Cruise recent afliction for foot in mouth disease, I just found this brilliant statement by him..

"[snip]...Cruise, a fervent anti-prescription drug campaigner, insists doctors were wrong to put a three-year-old girl on control pills four years ago and he has spent much of 2005 helping her parents wean her off them with amazing results. Cruise admits he used his scientology teachings to help him with his efforts"

Okay, I italicized the part I don't get in the article.. how exactly was this three year old that he was boasting about saving put on drugs four years ago? Brook had it right when she said he should go back to saving the world from aliens..

And they wonder why we loose our minds after having kids..

I got a message from a friend on the weekend who's darling daughter is about a month younger than our little darlin'. Her and I went back to work on the same week, and are going through similar challenges trying to find that "work/life" balance that people keep claiming exists:

Hey all. Apologies for the lack of replying to email/phone calls. Stupid week. Spent the morning writing a stack of files. Asked myself on Thursday why I went back to work at all. Many times actually.  Bloody hell. I have no time for anything anymore. And boy am I crabby about it. Sigh.

Things gett crazy going back to work. With all the pregnancy/baby books out there, you would think there would be one which prepares those of us with no option about returning to work (at least not wihtout some serious lifestyle changes, and living with parent units at my age just really is no longer an option). I barely time find to breath these days.. sigh.. not that staying home is an option, so I guess I will just have to find a way to make it work. I am not sure if others have the same feeling, but these days I am always feeling like I am doing everything wrong. I don't have enough time to focus here at work, and with all the crap that is going on I really do need to spend the extra time here, but at the same time I get to spend almost no time with the little darlin' (to show how bad it is, now when someone says "where's mommy?" he waves... you know, like he waves to me as I drive away in the morning.. ARGH). In addition to that, it is not like there isn't a million chores at home to do (DH tries to help, but ultimately he is still a guy, and while he is great with Alex, he sucks at remembering/doing house chores, despite what he says).

And the crabbiness too - everything seems to make me furious these days.. even the stupid little things that after I go back to it a few hours later and realize I am over reacting, and yet they still piss me off.. argh.

I just have to keep telling myself:

You returned because you had to; because you love your job; because you want to be able to afford the things that the little darlin' needs without having to worry about where to get the money; and because you don't want to eat spam and macaroni every night.

Is the trick to just keep saying these to yourself over and over?.. I am sure there is a point that this gets easier... I hope..

Crappy Days

Today cannot be described as a good day. I would love to vent about why, but as far as I understand blogging and work venting are two tasks that should never be mixed, but the short of the story is that everyone seems to have forgotten about me while I was on leave, and now I keep getting the short end of the stick for many a BS items (you know, all those things that they are *not* allowed to do when you return, but now seem to be trying to do anyway), which pretty much takes any fun out of this job, which pretty much bites. And since what they are doing is damaging my professional reputation, I can (a) try and stick it out, and try to fight it out internally, thus making the next year hell, and potentially damaging me further, but also having a chance of eventually fixing things, or (b) cut loose, take the hit and thus limit the damage that could be done.

I love when both options available suck.

The art of being un-PC

Since I am already going to get firebombed for my previous statements of not absolutely adoring getting spit up all over, having no sleep, and feeling literally drained all day long, I guess I might as well keep going...

I know this runs counter to all the wonderful Hallmark moments that have been professed and bloged about for the last few weeks which wax poetically about how great their mother's are, and how much more they appreciate their mothers' now that they too are mom's, but I'm finding just the opposite.. My mother, as I believe with all mothers, had a profound affect on who I became as a person, both positive and negative. From her I get my strength, my persistence, my neuroses.. Her opinion matters, no matter how much I try not to let it (let's just say we don't see eye to eye on may issues)... it was always in the back of my mind, even when I was sure of something, how she would nag me about this or that..

But with the little darlin' now on the scene, I find myself caring less and less about what others think, and spending more time focusing on what my little family needs, and to a larger extent what my little darlin' needs... yes, this is how things are supposed to be, but it truly amazes me how little I factor in these things these days given my pedagogical ways.. I used to obsess to make sure mom didn't get mad at me for some little unknown slight, or to make sure things were the way she like, and now it seems so irrelevant..

It's weird how the world turns..when most people are talking about how much more they appreciate their mom's now that they are parents and can "understand" them, I seem to be understanding less and less...

Justifying parenthood

((Originally posted May 9th))

I don't know if it just me, but has anyone else noticed how frequently people justify the conditions under which they became pregnant?

If its and "older" mom, she waxes about the wisdom and stability that they bring, and that they skip the regret phase of parenthood because they've already done everything they wanted to do before getting pregnant...

If it is a younger mom, she talks about wanting to have more energy to keep up with her kids, and not wanting to be middle aged when her kids are teens..


Yes, there are pros and cons to each side - there is no general right or wrong answer. But how did we as women get to where we feel the need to justify our choices? By definition, we are the foremost expert on ourselves, and thus uniquely qualified to make those kids of decisions better than anyone else, so why do we always act like we secretly feel that we made the wrong choice, and thus "protest too much" by over justifying the decisions?

PTSD

((Originally Posted May 2))

So where was I on this..

Oh yes, the screaming...

I can't believe that I am the only one who feels like they skin is starting to crawl after the 5th or 6th hour of listening to DS scream and cry (we just went through another bout of illnesses, this time croup and stomach flu). As sorry as I feel for the little guy, it is incredibly hard to take listening hour after hour after hour of his screaming.. is this not traumatic on a child's poor mother to see her otherwise happy, easy going kid suffering so much that he refuses to leave her side, and spends the day crying?

Of course, if funding to women's related heath issues ever reached even 1/10th of that of men, a correlation between post-partum depression and post traumatic stress disorder might actually be found. Then again, since in many corners of the medical community women are still considered the natural, caring, and comforting gender, and thus should be just able to "take" listening to their baby's crying (you know, like they used to think a man, by virtue of all that testosterone, should just be able to "take" listening to gunfire and bomb shells), it is doubtful that until many more women join the sciences and medical communities will more serious research into this area be done.

BTW, isn't wonderful (drip) to hear that enrollment by women in the sciences field is dropping at a staggering rate? But that is a whole other rant..